Killian versus the modern world
by that-first-glance-feeling
Summary: A series of one-shots on Killian Jones's misadventures and fiascos with the strange technologies of this realm. Features: Daddy!Killian, Captain Cobra and Captain Charming as well as Captain Swan, obviously :)
1. You are unbelievable

**A/N: Okay, this first one isn't exactly about Killian struggling with our world's technologies as much as about a little mishap he had in the LIBRARY. I hope you like it!**

**The next one will definitely show him facing a more complex, high-tec device (to his eyes at least), one he refers to as a **_metallic monster_** ;)**

**So, ****I got this prompt on tumblr: **_"You're in the emergency room because you were doing WHAT?!" _**And this is the result of it.**

**Feel free to send me a first-line prompt of your own either on tumblr (my url is the same as my username here), via DM, or in the reviews box below :)**

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><p><strong>You. Are. Unbelievable.<strong>

Captain Floor featuring: BOOKS!

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><p>"You're in the emergency room because you were doing WHAT?!"<p>

Emma all but shouted on her phone not caring the least if what he needed was right now was rest rather than being yelled at. She was _furious _with him, and she would make sure he felt her every bit of ire, that way he would think twice before doing something as stupid as that ever again.

"Love, don't tell me you're mad at me for merely helping out a friend."

"Damn right I am mad at you if you'll end up in the hospital for it, Killian!"

"Em-" She hung up on him. She couldn't talk to him right now, she was just too angry to hear his voice. He was unbelievable, her pirate.

Emma got into her bug and sent her mother a text asking her and David to take Henry to Regina's tonight as she would be preoccupied with a Killian emergency before driving off to the hospital.

Since the last time Emma mentioned having a _Killian emergency _to deal with was when _**his hook got stuck on the toaster**_ and hours went by before she gave up trying to gently release it from the apparatus and allowed Killian to smash the _bloody thing _with a frying pan, Mary Margaret readily understood this time it was something equally as time-consuming and comical.

_Of course. Let me know if you need me to run to the store and get you another toaster._

Emma rolled her eyes and huffed out a laugh.

_Thanks, mum. And not this time._

She parked her bug and got off, slamming the door and running to the reception. She quickly filled in the paperwork and hurried to the room Killian had been moved to, where she found him with a few bruises on his face as well as a gash, thankfully a small one, on his left eyebrow.

"You. Are. Unbelievable."

"It's good to see you, too, love."

"Seriously, Killian? Who gets hurt arranging books on a shelf?"

"Devilishly handsome pirates with a hook for a hand?"

She rolled her eyes and had to take a deep breath to stop herself from whacking him in the shoulder for being so, so, _ugh_."What did Belle say?"

"You mean after she laughed at me for a good ten minutes before she realised the pile of books wasn't moving?"

Emma's eyebrows raised up to her hairline and she couldn't stifle the laughter tumbling from her lips at that.

"What exactly happened?" She managed to say in between new bursts of giggles.

"Like I told you this morning, I was going to the library to finally thank Belle properly for saving my life. When I got there I offered to help her clean the shelves and rearrange the books. I was on top of the stairs placing the books on top shelf when I found a book that caught my attention. I reached to get it and I guess my foot must have slipped, because then I was on the floor with a pile of books on top of me." He told her all at once, as if he was too annoyed with himself to let the words linger on his mouth a minute longer.

Emma was chewing on her bottom lip and putting on her best serious face as she only nodded at him. She was trying hard not to start laughing at him all over again for being so adorably clumsy. Jesus, who gets trapped under a pile of books? Killian Jones, apparently.

"And," she cleared her through, "what book was it that distracted you, if I may ask?" She tried to mock the serious tone of his voice and the comical solemn face he'd put on sometimes. It was his turn to roll his eyes at her.

He scratched nervously behind his ear and muttered a reply.

"Pardon, what was that?" Oh, this was going to be amusing, she could feel it.

He let out an exasperated sigh before saying, "It was Peter Pan, alright?"

And with that she couldn't help herself, and burst into laughter for what was probably the hundredth time since she got his call that afternoon.

"Really?"

"Henry… Henry always tells me this realm has a very different version of my depicted in that book and I've always been curious to read it."

Emma shook her head and closed the distance between them, fixing a few strands of his soft hair that were falling on his forehead before locking her arms around his neck and pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

"Well, maybe we should kill what's nearly _killing _you and finally read that book. I'm sure Belle won't mind letting you borrow it as long as you stay far away from the shelves when you return it."

He smiled and pulled her closer to him, kissing her cheek gently before taking her hand in his to finally leave that hospital room.

"I can assure you of that, love."

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><p><strong>Review?<strong>

**PS: the prequel to this featuring the whole Killian's hook versus The Toaster debacle is coming up tomorrow! :)**


	2. Prequel: The Hook versus The Toaster

**A/N: As promised, here's the prequel!**

**Also inspired by a prompt as part of the **_Send me the first line to a fic and I'll write you the next lines _**challenge on tumblr.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Even Toasters Get Hooked<strong>

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><p>He learned the hard way not to stick his hook in the toaster.<p>

He'd been fumbling with the apparatus for over twenty minutes before he finally accepted he wouldn't manage to free himself without asking for help. And so, he called her.

"Killian, I'm sorry I had to leave earlier today, but you need to stop sending me those dirty texts otherwise I won't get any actual work done - and that means it'll only take me longer to get back home to you." She said over the phone, clearly trying to sound irritated. But, he could read her like an open book even without seeing her face and he simply _knew _she was smiling through her reprimand no matter how harsh she tried to sound.

"Don't worry, Swan. I'm done filling your mind with my darkest desires - _for today_." He could practically _hear _her rolling her eyes at that. "That's not why I'm calling you, though."

"Oh…" She trailed off, worry and concern ringing on her voice before she even asked for further information. "What's going on, then?"

"I… seem to have gotten stuck. I've tried but this metallic monster won't let me go. I need your help, love."

"Wait, what?"

"This hot, shiny silver thing you call a _toaster._" He hesitated, the name sounding foreign in his tongue, and he wondered how people in this realm came up with such ridiculous names as _phone_, _toaster_, and _radio. _Emma still hadn't managed to convince him that the latter had nothing to do with another bizarre word, _radioactive_, by which all he understood is that it was something to be feared, something that could go _boom_ unpredictably.

She chuckled. "Killian, what have you done to the brand new toaster we just bought for the apartment?"

"I've not touched it - _yet_. And lest you want to see it torn to shreds I suggest you get over here and save me, saviour."

She couldn't help the goofy grin that took over her face with his words. Stupid, adorable idiot. "You know I'll always run to save you. I'm on my way home."

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><p>She entered their apartment to find Killian sitting on the kitchen floor, cradling the toaster in his right arm - his hand actually caressingthe side of it - his hook sticking up from inside the <em>metallic monster<em> as he had already detached it from his brace, which he now used to support his head as he contemplated the thing with a look of - fondness? - in his face.

"Don't tell me the two of you have been bonding while I was gone."

He looked up at her and rolled his eyes, quickly getting up and bringing the hooked toaster over to the kitchen counter so she could assess the situation.

Before sparing so much as a side glance to the object, Emma put her hand on his shoulder and asked him earnestly, "Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?"

He smiled and pulled her closer to press a long overdue kiss to her lips. Waking up to a Swan-less bed had been torture, even if she'd told him the night before she'd have to wake up earlier today.

(He had asked her to wake him up so they could have breakfast together - which, obviously, she didn't do.)

(She did leave him a note on the nightstand that read _I miss you already, _as well as a coffee cup from Granny's and a tiny wee sandwich he remembered her referring to as a _bagel_.)

(He ate it all in two bites and was still hungry enough to paddle over to the kitchen and try his luck with the shiny object that was supposed to warm up bread.)

"I missed you this morning, love."

"I missed you too." She kissed him one more time and ran her hand down his arm to squeeze his hand lightly before turning to the toaster.

She raised the object to her nose level, turning it upside down and shaking it quite aggressively. The hook wiggled a bit inside, but only moved from its original position by a few inches.

"Right," she said, putting the toaster down with a sigh, "what do we do now?"

"Perhaps we could use some sort of lever to raise the hook from it?"

Emma nodded and moved to take a fork from one of the drawers and present it to him. He merely raised an eyebrow at her. "What? That's the closest thing to a lever we have around here."

They took turns stabbing the toaster with the fork to try to release the hook but all they managed to pull out of it was a uselessly bent fork.

"That's it, I've officially ran out of ideas." She said, letting out a defeated sigh and sinking into a stool.

"You know there's only one thing we can do now, darling." Killian told her with a solemn expression in his face.

"Is there really no other way?" she asked, the frown pinching her brows and the pout on her lips making her look like an actual child.

He shook his head slowly. "I'm afraid not, Swan."

"Okay, but do it quickly then. I don't want to see it." She said, crossing her arms over her chest and turning away from the sentenced toaster.

"As you wish."

Killian opened one of the kitchen cabinets and produced a frying pan from it. He came back to the counter and held it over the toaster, letting the pan hover over it for a few moments before swiftly pulling it back over his shoulder and whacking it down square on the poor thing with a loud _clonk!_

He whacked the toaster a couple more times before setting the pan on the side and exclaiming, "Victory at last!"

Emma turned around to see him clicking the hook back into his brace with a proud grin on his face.

"Well done." She kissed his cheek as a prize for his efforts. "Now you're in charge of dumping the corpse."

"It'll be my pleasure to dispose of this bloody monstrous thing." He said, collecting the remains of the toaster into a plastic bag with a satisfied smirk.

"Just promise me you'll won't try sticking your hook into the next one we get." She said, giving him a sideways glance.

"Aye. Fishing bread out of a toaster with my hook is a feat I don't intend on attempting ever again, love. Next time I'll sacrifice a fork instead."

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><p><strong>Review? :)<strong>


	3. Killian versus the infant car seat

**A/N: **to oblige a friend who sent me an adorably prompt on Tumblr, here's some daddy!Killian experiencing a classic first-time-daddy paranoia, and facing a bit of a hassle with the baby car seat. A bit of humor, lots of fluff, and Captain Cobra for you this time :)

**Edit: as you may have noticed, this was previously named You Are Unbelievable but I've decided to change it and make this a series of one-shots of Killian's little fiascos with our world's paraphernalia. I'll be constantly adding more one-shots to this series and feel free to send me any prompts and ideas of yours.**

**Thank you for reading and your feedback, as always, is much appreciated and welcomed :) Enjoy! xx**

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><p><strong>Killian versus the infant car seat<strong>

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><p>She was lying with her head on his thigh as his hand joined both of hers, softly caressing her very round belly and enjoying the occasional kicks their baby saluted them with.<p>

Apparently little Liam was enjoying his cohabiting of Emma's body a bit too much for he was a week overdue. As a result, Emma was growing increasingly uncomfortable with each passing day, sudden mood swings having long been accepted as a less than exciting part of their daily routine, and chinese takeout plus Netflix having become their easiest option for a date night.

They were watching, as per usual, one of those sappy, predictable romantic comedies she vows she only watches to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

(To be perfectly honest, he finds he quite likes those movies too, but he'd be damned if he ever admits it before she does.)

This one was about an unlikely couple - the woman too stubborn for her own good and the man an untamed womaniser of sorts, who never thought he'd find a romantic side in him and settle down. They develop a strange friendship based on their mutual banter and undeniable attraction for one another, until their lives are changed when they have to take care of a baby together.

The plot seemed oddly too similar to their own story for a chance pick, but when he pressed his Swan on why she'd chosen that particular film for tonight she shrugged and winked conspicuously at him. She merely said she wanted to watch any movie with a baby wreaking havoc around them to make her laugh, but he knew there was more behind her reason than a casual Thursday night entertainment option.

All throughout her 41 weeks of pregnancy, Emma has been dealing with the internal conflict of wanting their baby to be born and loved by them as soon as he was ready to come into the world, at the same time that it scared her out of her mind to think that she'd never raised a child before and might not do a decent job at taking care of a newborn.

Killian was treading his hook gently through her hair when he looked down and noticed a few tears rolling down the sides of her face. The woman on the screen had helplessly tried to feed the now three year old child and only succeeded in getting baby puree all over her face, and Emma was staring at the tv with a sad smile - her thoughts clearly far away from the fictional story and much closer to her reality. He wipes her tears and leans down to place a kiss on her forehead before bringing his hand back to tracing lazy circles on her round belly.

"You know we'll do a much better job at that than them, don't you, Swan?"

She turns to face his comforting blue eyes and soft smile, her own lips curving upwards slightly at his effect on her. He never failed to soothe her fears, her incredibly sensitive pirate and beloved husband.

"I do know it, but I can't help but being scared anyway." She sighed. "How can you be so calm about this?"

"I believe in us, Emma. I can feel we'll be great parents." Her smiled widened and she felt new tears, happy tears, welling up in her eyes seeing the sincerity in his. "For one thing, we've had plenty of practice feeding your brother. I'm sure you'd manage to get more food in the baby's mouth than all over you, unlike the poor lass over there."

"Well, let's not forget how Neal decided he didn't approve of my brand new white dress for our second date and vomited an entire bottle I spent a good time feeding him with."

They both chuckled at the memories of their first New Year's Eve together. Killian had patiently waited until Emma had tried on a few more outfits before finally deciding on one. Apparently theoir nostalgic moment was also quite amusing to Liam, who started to kick excitedly in response to Emma's giggles.

"Let's just hope our little lad is a bigger fan of your clothing choices than little Bae." He said, booping her nose and placing a soft kiss there.

Emma was giggling again, all her worries about taking care of the baby momentarily forgotten until she suddenly sat up and let out a pained _oof_.

"Love? What is it?" He asked, his brows pinching together in apprehension.

He followed Emma's gaze to the sofa cushion beneath her thighs and saw a puddle forming there.

She turned to look at him with wide eyes and a nervous smile, taking the hand he still kept protectively over her belly and giving it a firm squeeze.

"Killian, I think my water just broke."

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><p>Liam Swan-Jones came into the world at 2:17am and thankfully Emma's labour was rather fast and without any complications - that is until the sun rose. Killian, who had barely slept at all that night, choosing to watch over his beautiful wife and their son sleeping peacefully on the hospital bed instead, started getting paranoid when he realised they were taking their son home that afternoon.<p>

He tiptoed out of the room after placing a kiss on the top of Emma's and Liam's heads, and drove the good ol' yellow bug (Emma had insisted they kept it at least until space for the baby became an issue) to meet Henry and the Charmings at Granny's for an unusually early breakfast.

"Hey, there's the new daddy!" Mary Margaret spotted Killian walking into the diner and got up to greet him with a hug. "Congratulations, Killian! How are you feeling?"

"I feel grand, absolutely wonderful! Thank you." He hugged her back and no, those were definitely _not_ happy tears prickling the corners of his suddenly emotional eyes.

He was beaming at the people who had kindly accepted and welcomed him as family long ago, and whom he had come to love more than he ever thought he'd be capable of after being abandoned by an unloving father, and losing both his mother and his brother brutally.

(He had long figured that having a family was something the gods would never grant him with, wasted years and endless torment having been bitterly accepted as all there was to his fate, as well as loss and tragedy - but of those he'd already known more than his fair share.)

(Needless to say everything changed when a woman with an all-knowing stare, eyes more green than all the seas he'd sailed, golden hair more luminous than the sun itself, and _that_ smile that could guide him home better than the stars he'd spent his centuries of existence painstakingly mapping.)

"How are you doing, _mate_?" David asked, adorably failing at mocking his accent - Killian had long figured out who Emma got her penchant for making fun of his accent from.

(It was not a rare occasion when in the middle of a family dinner Killian would say something as trivial as _Could you pass me the mash, mate? _and that was all it took it took for father and daughter to team up and mock his lilting enunciation for the rest of the evening. Henry would soon join them, unless of course he wanted to ask something of Killian later, which often was a request for more tales of his adventures aboard the Jolly, or the countless times he beat Blackbeard in a duel.)

"Could definitely use some sleep, but other than that I'm great." He clapped David on the shoulder friendly. "Thanks, _Dave._" He added with a wink, and the two of them chuckled as they walked to a booth.

"How's my little brother doing, Killian?" Henry asked, all wide eyes and sheer excitement. "And mum?"

"I'll wager you my last doubloons they're both still sound asleep." He sat beside him on the booth and brought his arm around his shoulders, pulling him into his side and kissing the top of his tousled hair.

"You're probably right." Henry chuckled. "When can we see them again?"

"We can all go right after we finish breakfast if you wish." Killian replied with a smile. "I just need to order some pancakes to go and stop home to get the infant car seat before making my way to the hospital."

"Pancakes?" David asked, tilting his head with a bemused look.

"Aye. Emma hated the watery soup she got for dinner last night. Not that I blame her. Hospital food certainly looks atrocious, I'm sure the taste isn't any better." He said grimacing - even after all these years Emma hadn't managed to make him acknowledge jello as _actual food_. He ate it alright, he didn't mind the taste much, but he still found it extremely bizarre.

"That's very sweet, Killian." Mary Margaret said smiling. "Well, we need to grab a few things at home before heading to the hospital, too. Meet you there later?"

"Sounds good." Killian nodded. "How about you, lad? Want to go with your grandparents now or come with me later?"

"Hm, I think you could use an extra hand with the baby seat." Henry scrunched his nose up in the exact same way Emma did when she was teasing him.

"For you information, I can handle myself pretty well, lad." He said after tickling Henry's side with his hook - his default payback whenever the boy teased him about it. "But I'll love your company all the same."

"Trust me, Killian, you'll _need _my company." Henry sounded so sure of himself that Killian couldn't help but wonder how much of that demeanour the boy had picked up from himself. "I'll go order the pancakes to go then."

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><p>"How the bloody hell is one supposed to install this damned thing?!"<p>

It had seemed like a fairly simple task at first. There were only two steps: First, secure the plastic base on the car seat by passing the seat belt through the holes on it and clicking it fastened on the other side. Then, fix the chair on top of the base with the safety locks connecting the two parts together. After that the only thing left for him to do was adding the protective cover pads to the straps near the harness so the belt wouldn't mark the baby's delicate skin and _voilà_.

Easy enough, he had thought.

He couldn't have been more wrong. For starters he didn't even manage to accomplish step one without getting his hand tangled up in the knot he'd made of the seat belt. What was the point in all those loops he had to pass the belt through anyway? Of course, it didn't help the fact that he was barely using his hook for assistance for fear of scratching or breaking the plastic base - the wafty thing already seemed too fragile to hold a baby in place in the event of an accident without any additional scratches and dents his hook could cause.

(He had discussed the issue with Swan many times before, and he'd never have found an infant car seat that was safe enough for their little one if she hadn't convinced him that the one they ended up buying was perfectly safe and reliable.)

"Brilliant. What now." He cursed under his breath wondering how he'd get his hand out of the mess of straps without using his hook to rip through all of it.

"Told ya." Henry said as he approached the car carrying a bag with clean clothes for Emma to change into. "Sure you don't need a hand there?"

"Watch the mocking, lad." He sighed in defeat. "But, yes, you were right. Do you mind?" He motioned for Henry to come to his rescue with his hook.

Henry grabbed the seat belt and with a few swift tugs here and there he not only freed Killian's hand, but also finished the job, clicking the harness on the other side of the base successfully.

"Wait, you've done this before, haven't you?"

"One could say spending time with my mum, Robin and Roland taught me a few things about small children." Henry replied with a shrug and a smug smile. "As you can see, baby car seats are part of my skills set now."

"I won't underestimate you big brother skills again, lad." Killian chuckled and patted his shoulder affectionately. "I just hope changing nappies is included on that list because there'll be plenty of those for you to take care of."

"Ew." Henry twisted his face comically.

Henry helped him secure the chair onto the base and click all the safety locks closed before moving on to put the bag of clothes on the trunk.

Killian covered the straps with a pair of cushioned sleeves that had a plush blue fish on each one, running his fingers over them with a fond smile on his face and wondering whether his little boy would be so fond of the sea as both his parents were.

"You alright?" Henry asked from behind the bug.

"Aye. Come have a look, I checked that all the safety locks were down, added the strap cover pads, and I also gave the whole thing a good shake to see if it stays in place." Killian reported with the proud grin of a son who runs to show his parents a test he'd aced on his face.

"Well done, that's a good job." Henry gave him his deserved praise biting the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing at the silly smile on the pirate's face.

"Right, now shall we get going? We don't want those pancakes to get cold before they make it to your mum's stomach."

"Yeah, let's go."

Killian soon got the hang of it after only a few days, being able to secure the base, the chair and the cushion pads all by himself within less than five minutes. Henry never let him forget to give him his due credit for teaching the old pirate the infant car seat ways, though.

When Liam was four years old, he would still give the chair quite a thorough shake every single time before sitting his son there and adjusting the straps around his chest.

Saying Killian Jones was a bit of an overprotective father was as much of an understatement as saying Emma Swan was moderately insistent.

(He was ecstatic to find Liam soon became obsessed with the sea and its creatures - which is no surprise, really, given his room was decorated with a sea motif and lots of different fish and a few boats sailing atop the foaming waves Killian himself had painted on the baby blue walls.

He would giggle and clap his little hands excitedly every time the four of them went sailing on the boat Emma and he bought on their first wedding anniversary, _The Swan_.)

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for all your lovely words on the last two pieces, I can't tell you how much it means to me to get these responses from you. I hope you enjoyed this one as well!<strong>

**Review? :D**


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